Why I'm Ditching My Inferiority Complex
I am 33 years old.
I drive a rusting 2005 Volkswagon Jetta with almost 190,000 miles on it.
I am a personal trainer with a mediocre salary.
I don’t have the recommended amount of money in my savings for someone of my age.
I live in an old, slightly decrepit 800 square foot apartment with no dishwasher, no garbage disposal, has coin laundry, and the shower water simultaneously burns me and freezes me in a 10 minute wash period.
I am not writing this to complain, illicit pity, or feel sorry for myself. In fact, I know many people would love to have what I have, and I am extremely grateful for my life at the moment. I express my gratitude frequently. I am writing this to finally acknowledge and own a part of my life that has triggered me for a long time- feeling inferior. That's right. I've got a big 'ole fat inferiority complex.
A short backstory to how I got to writing this in the first place. Recently, I have submerged myself even deeper in the world of self development. I wanted to hone my manifestation skills after years of dabbling in the subject, so I bought a program online to help me. If anyone out there is interested in manifestation, I highly recommend looking up Lacy Phillips and her website To Be Magnetic. It is a whole different method of manifesting; very different than that of The Secret if you ever read or watched it. The recommendation of the Lacy Phillips program was to discover and own the “shadow” parts of yourself, the parts that you might not like, the parts where your subconscious might sabotage your efforts to manifest your true desires. It focuses on really honing in on your self worth and being ruthlessly honest about whether you TRULY believe you deserve what you are manifesting. One of the exercises was to brainstorm words that trigger emotions in yourself, and then discover why. One of my words was INFERIORITY. Saying it to myself brought up a slew of emotions which I didn’t like at all. I’m non-confrontational. With myself and other people. Emotions make me feel “EW”, but I grudgingly delved deeper into why that word made me feel like I drank a cup of sewer water.
I realized that since I was a kid, I always have often felt less than. I grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood and went to private schools. Really, nothing to cry about, but I am just describing my interpretation. I was one of the only kids with divorced parents. My home life seemed different than a lot of my friends. My parents both had several marriages, and I grew up with a weird and uncomfortable feeling surrounding money. I.e. we never seemed to have enough, it was a big source of stress, and it was considered the "root of all evil" in my household. When I was in high school, I had the crustiest car in the parking lot. It was older than my life, leaked oil all over the place, and looked pretty sad next to the new Acura’s or Honda’s that some other girls were driving.
After college, I never did the “get a real job with a 401k” thing. Which was fine with me, I never really wanted it. However, that’s the time when my friends did start getting “real” jobs, making real money, getting married, buying houses, buying new cars, having babies, etc. As much as I told myself and still tell myself that I don’t want to live in debt, that I am saving a lot of money right now, that I don’t need a new car since I walk to work and barely drive mine, and I enjoy living my minimal lifestyle because it aligns with my values, sometimes I still feel like a big, fat, interior loser who still uses quarters to do laundry for God’s sake. QUARTERS.
According to the previously mentioned manifestation program, I need to own my trigger words so they cease to have power over me. This is my owning, by telling this story. By laying it all out there. By figuring out why I even give a crap what other people think. By releasing mental space to make way for more productive thoughts. I am ready to wrestle this inferiority complex of mine so it can quit blocking amazing things that I am ready to receive in my life. I am ready to let go of the worry and obsession that people are judging me because of my material possessions. Maybe by telling this story, it will make someone else ponder for themselves, “why the feelings of inferiority?” Maybe it will help someone else work through whatever words trigger them. We are all on our own crazy, twisty, sad, exhilarating, confusing, journeys in life. Let’s release our insecurities, drop kick them to the curb, be gentle with judgement of ourselves and others, heap on the love, and keep chugging along the road to our own happiness and self discovery. If you want to join me, follow the navy blue Jetta with the dent in the trunk.
Do you have an inferiority complex? What kind of stuff makes you triggered or feel insecure? Let's get it all out there! Share it in the comments below!